Cheese Theologians

Up until a few months ago, I was very weary of buying a Nintendo DS. Its touch screen and other innovative features was to me a dark voodoo which mortal man must never come to know. I had even once heard a rumor that the touch screen was powered by the souls of raped children, and that the bulk of the contraption was filled with a dark coagulation of blood and clot. Then I saw that the PSP core system was about $70 more and had nearly no games on it. Thus, it came to pass that I purchased Nintendo's dark child. That and my fiancée got one with Animal Crossing: wild world and wanted someone to play with... her big doe eyes subdued me like napalm upon a Vietnamese baby.

The first game I purchased for the villainous contraption was a $20 game called Trace Memory. I didn’t expect much. The box said it was an adventure game and the blurbs on the back touted it as the greatest accomplishment of man-kind since orgasms. At the end of the day, however, it all came down to the price and I sped home to crack the thing open. I didn’t expect what I found.

THE GOOD

the game has a good story to it. You play as Ashley, a 14 year old girl who lost both her parents under mysterious circumstances when she was three and was left in the care of her aunt. A few days before her 14th birthday, she received a package from an unknown sender. When she opened the package, she found within an "odd machine" that looks just like your DS called the DTS (or dual Trace System) and a note from her father. Apparently, her father had not died and was waiting for her on the transparently named "Blood Edward Island." The story, which I shall not divulge the details of here, begins. It is full of mystery intrigue and murder as Ashley tries to hunt down her father and discover the truth about her past.

The game play is very enjoyable. the game is filled with several puzzles ranging from the exceedingly easy (such as putting 5 broken pieces of wood together to form a sign,) to the innovative (such as closing and re-opening the DS to press a stamp on a piece of paper -the bottom of the stamp being on the top of the screen.) The puzzles never become a burden (like in a certain game I’m not speaking to anymore. Screw you to hell Myst III) and instead become a very pleasing element of the game... except for one. If you buy the game, you will know it when you see it.

The graphics are done well. The top screen has anime stills during dialogue complete with blinking eyes and moving mouths then has stills of the scenery during game play, and the bottom screen has nicely rendered polygons of the main character running around weeping as her life falls apart.

THE BAD
Ashley is the stupidest heroine ever. Many, many times you will figure out a part of the mystery way before Ashley does. She never quite seems to get it though. You have to show her every little detail often running back and forth to different rooms doing multiple tasks and then, MAYBE she will understand the obvious. For example, Ashley won’t pick up an item you need to solve a puzzle until after you’ve clicked on the two things she needs to figure it out herself. Aren’t we the ones that are supposed to figure this stuff out?


Ashley talks... ALOT. The game is peppered with 9 hour dialogue sessions that seem to serve no other purpose than to annoy. You once sit down and ask a ship captain if he wanted to be a captain as a child... this conversation lasts for 15 real life minutes. The introduction is so laced with dialogue that I had to stop without saving at least three times and come back later.


It’s too short. When I play a game, I try to look at and explore EVERYTHING and my total play time was only 4 hours. That’s ridiculous. Even though I loved this game that’s kind of a deal breaker for me, and should be for you as well.


So is the game worth the money?

No, even though the game is great, it’s just too short to justify the cost. Rent this one.



FINAL SCORE

7/10
all things considered this gets a 7 out of 10

Today we are going to learn about a thing called "visual rhetoric."

take a moment and look at the cover of the game... Go on,

What? Too lazy to google? FINE!



this image is courtesy of tombraidergirl.com. Its not a bad site really... Lots of pics and news etc. Check it out. I'm pretty sure it's run by a girl, and as we all know gamer-girls are hot. But I digress)

take a good long look at the art here. Look at what the lines are doing. Think about how the color enhances the focus.

each line is softened producing a Painterly look. This makes Lara seem more feminine and approachable.

the color and light highlight her hair, eyes, and lips presenting a stark, deep brown against a yellow sky. The look in her eyes tells us she is ready for action... Or that she wants to give you a blow job... Its hard to tell... And that's the point.

yes my friends, they aren't marketing this game to our lust for good game play or excellent story; they want us to buy this game with our wangs.

oh yes, Eidos Interactive seems to be dipping into that advertising cesspool of sex appeal like a drunk hits booze on Christmas. "but what about the inside cover? Surely they must have game features listed?" No, it doesnt. This is what you see:



that's right guys, cleavage and spread legs. At least they have taken away the giant knockers Lara used to swing around...

so how good can a game that sells itself on boobies really be?

You'll know when I do.

If you are useing the PC version (which why wouldnt you, xbox 666 is terrible) there is a nice little glitch that you can use to duplicate any item.. even quest items...

simply get as many arrows as you can. Then draw your bow and without fireing, open your inventory. from there, click the arrows. A message will pop up telling you that you cannot unequip the arrows. before that disapears, hold down shift and click the item you wish to dupilicate. If your computer is as crappy as mine you will hear a loud ding sound and then your fan will sound like a lawn mower.

exit out of your inventory and watch the spiral of awesome. ive included some pics of when i used this trick to duplicate cheese wedges 5000 times. my framerate went to hell and it took 25 minutes for it to finish spawning.

Tabris (viking) and I had a discussion last night. By "discussion," I mean we got in a giant slap fight. I think I won, and Tabris is a ball grabber.

I was playing Oblivion last night and found myself locked in a Mage's guild quest. Tabris looked up and saw where I was and what I was doing. I knew what was to come next. Its happened before and, like an abused wife, I've gotten used to my suffering. He said "Oh I know that quest! its easy... well, as long as you stalk up on reflect lightning scrolls."

That's right! Not only did Tabris tell me that the quest was "easy," thus laying pressure to beat it quickly lest I look like a clit-dragon, he also told me exactly how to beat it. He sees nothing wrong with this.

He does stuff like this alot. For example, he will say to me: "ENGeek my dearest brother, please cast your wise gaze in the direction of my monitor." trusting him, I oblige only to find the best armor in the game on his character. "doesnt that look cool on me? doesnt it ruin the surprise for when you find it yourself?"

Oh, I'm not bitter Tabris... Enjoy your Ramen noodles friend... No, thats garlic... What? Of course it's not my man seed. no no.

My roomate (tabris) and I (ENGeek) came up with a grand idea: create a blog about the theory that monterey jack cheese is proof that god loves us. then we realized how stupid the whole plan was, so we decided to write about video games instead. enjoy